Vipassana means to see things as they really are. It was an epic transformational journey within. It created a sacred space to hear my inner wisdom, ignited my ability to feed deeply and aligned my soul which lead me to my divine truth.
It was full of intensities the physical pain was agonising the emotional pain ran deep. When they learned to flow together in harmony my heart exploded and the healing was profound.
My soul is aligned and whatever is not in alignment is falling away with ease. I feel like my business has merged with me, and my dreams are expanding as one.
These transformations are coming deep within my soul. My head is so clear and my heart is burning with the desire to feel deeply. The ice has melted from my heart. The barriers have come tumbling down. There is freedom within.
It’s taken a while to find and express these words and I am now compelled to express this journey back to front. As it has been in the four weeks after Vipassana that the real transformation has occured.
For days after my return from Vipassana I had this uneasy feeling in my body. I couldn’t eat, sleep, connect. That uneasiness was actually that of EASE. As my whole life has been a struggle, its my physiological make up, my default. These feelings of ease, of surrendering to my emotions and to letting go of life as I knew it was all so unfamiliar.
I’m in my flow, my heart is opened and I feel at ease. There is nothing left but the authentic me. I am honouring the space of aloneness as I recalibrate to my new self. I have this absolute trust that everything is unfolding in perfect timing in the perfect way.
Now that the ice has melted from my heart its a new opportunity to reassess my desires to love and be loved. My vulnerabilities are flowing freely without my need to control them or be apologetic for them. The brick wall of protection I have been building all my life has dissolved.
Layers of my skin fell off my face. Weight fell from my body. I feel free, new and seen. There is no more healing to do. There is nothing left but to shine my light, share my gifts and be love.
My mission is clear. My path is set. I have heard the whispers of my heart. I acknowledge my soul’s desires. I have aligned to my purpose. I know how I’m going to do it. And i’m so excited about everything!
If you have ever thought of going to Vipassana or if soul is calling for some sacred space to ‘journey within’ this is the link to Vipassana Centre in Pomona on the Sunshine Coast www.rasmi.dhamma.org. The area is spectacular, the rooms are comfortable and you will be mesmerised by the kangaroos.
Why? Why would I put myself through this? Simply because I have an inner knowing my life journey of ‘struggling and pain’ is my power, my purpose and my freedom. It’s this suffering that has led me to being a seeker of the truth within. It’s taken me on a journey to search for a path that goes beyond pain and reaches freedom and eternal bliss.
I went in to Vipassana feeling excited to be offering my soul some sacred space and confident that I knew every part of my crazy mixed up mind. What I wasn’t prepared for was the intensity. The agonising physical pain bought on by sitting in the same position for 11 hours a day was accompanied with deep emotional pain.
The Vipassana method is simple but profound.
The breath, the focus, the clarity – made it easy to delve into the pain and ‘journey within’. It teaches you to observe and not to attach to the feelings of pain or the feelings of bliss but to find equanimity. By maintaining this equanimity is where the real healing occurs. This alters your physiological make up, your mindset and enhances your innate healing powers.
The pain started for me, with a 4am wake up bell, the vegetarian menu and no dinner. All nine daily meditation sessions were profound ‘journey within’ guiding me to the inner most darkest corners of my mind, body and soul. Nothing was left uncovered. The depth of fear, misery, suffering, the emotional and physical pain were just as profound as the depth of pure light, bliss, love, joy and compassion that led to my heart exploding.
As spiritual transformations can be, mine was very painful at the start, messy in the middle and beautiful at the end.
Tears of grief and tears of joy flowed. There were moments when I wanted to scream out in pain, to give up and run away.
But my soul had other plans, there was no turning back. The light ahead was bright. It wanted to learn from the pain, explore it, feel it and then accept, surrender and love it. It wanted to open to it, let it in and journey to the depths and embody it whole heartedly.
The meditation sessions combined my deepest fears, brightest dreams with my warped sense of humour. There was emotional pain and beautiful journeys of all the colours of the rainbow. There were moments my monkey mind drove me insane and moments that my head rolled back as old energies left my being. The moments that I could control the pain the moments that I completely embodied equanimity were gold. I was given clear visions of the next step for my business. I was shown the souls waiting for me to align.
The first three and a half days were of physical agony. Despite my lower back injuries my pain was in my left shoulder. It was intense. The ‘journey within’ my left shoulder led me down a rocky and painful road of rejection. It was like watching a movie of my life. I was shown scenarios of being rejected at school, at workplaces, in my business. There were images of people that made me feel disempowered, boyfriends that shattered my heart and me holding back my authentic self. I observed one memory after another. With every moment of equanimity the emotional attachment was being deleted from my soul blueprint. I was glued in my mediatation position for hours as my body vibrated with pure bliss and the physical pain disappeared.
This experience took me to a new depth, things got deep and dark, when I met my saboteur head on. He took me on a journey through countless scenarios of struggles, obstacles, failures that have accompanied my life. As I twisted and turned down the path of self sabotage, we learnt how to co-exist. I learnt valuable soul lessons ways to make my failures and heartbreaks dance in harmony with my successes and joys.
As my mind became clearer, so did the reality that my heart is closed. And my soul desire, is for it to open. To connect. To love. To BE.
My biggest fears is ALONELINESS. I sunk deeper and deeper into this ALONELINESS. It hurt like hell.
The door to my heart was closed but I had the key. For days I was frozen in my fear. Tears rolled down my cheeks. The light was again too bright. My soul’s call to express vulnerability was too loud. It was here I chose to open my heart. With a breathe, I surrendered and opened the door. The very moment I unlocked the door, my whole body vibrated with feelings of freedom, compassion and love.
The monotomy of routine and conformity was starting to feel like it was constricting my usual free spirit. I chose to nurture my free spirit by slightly bending a rule daily with a cartwheel, a yoga pose, laying on the grass or soaking up the sunshine. On this day, I was lead to dancing in the forest to music from a neighbour. Going back into the meditation hall I felt free, relaxed and happily resumed my meditation position. As I was opening to a pain in my crown chakra the EARTHQUAKE hit. My whole body shook. I thought my head exploded, after several moments of making sure it was still attached to my body, I took a peak with one eye and connected with a face of fear and a whisper that it was an earthquake all while stiffling fits of laughter busting to breakfree.
Ironically, it was my Chronic Pain Syndrome which has effected my lower back and nervous system for many years that lead to one of my most beautiful journeys. On day nine’s ‘journey within’ there were visions of my spine being healed with a ring of green ribbon surrounding it and was travelling up and down my spine. All the pain was being magnetised to this ring and healing my body. Ribbons of all the chakra colours pierced my body, dissolving my pain and filling it up with pure love, peace and joy. I felt 10 feet tall as my pain and pleasure combined so that they can flow together in harmony.
On the last day, the anticipation of accomplishment was high. I was unable to move as this tingling vibration encompassed my whole body, it flowed freely. It was the feeling of absolute pure love, joy and compassion not only for me but for all beings. It was in this very moment that I completely understood and accepted on every level of my being all my life experiences have had a purpose.
My head rolled back as I embodied the realisation that EVERYTHING IN EVERY MOMENT IS PERFECT JUST AS IT IS.
Four weeks on, I feel like I have finally gotten used to this EASE and FLOW. My soul is leading the way, and I am walking beside freely with complete trust. The foundations that I layed for my business are strong as it goes from strength to strength. My soul is aligned to my inner most desires as I cultivate the feelings of love and unity within.