I’ve had a pretty wild Journey Within over the past month. As you all know I have recently taken a leap of faith to follow my passion and create Megan Johnston Kinesiology – Your Journey Within. While I am very proud of my efforts I’ve had to face a few personal truths along the way, including acknowledging, accepting, & learning to break the pattern of my biggest life challenge – BEING TRULY SEEN IN ALL MY RADIANCE. While it has been somewhat of an uncomfortable experience, it has been very rewarding also. And I now feel like I’m finally ready to step into MY TRUTH & BE SEEN & HEARD. Because to be honest, it’s pretty hard to run a business if you don’t want to be seen or heard.
So I share my November Journey Within – my pattern in life has been to fly under the radar and therefore not been seen as my full radiant self. I was never too opinionated or softly spoken, I never dressed in a way that I would make me stand out in a crowd, I was always good at sports but never excelled. My interests varied but I was never too passionate about anything in particular. I was known as the peace keep so I never had to take anyone’s side. I always sat on the fence so I never really had to make a decision. I never showed too many emotions and I definitely never acted in a way that would make me centre of attention. Why???
Its easy to love the good bits of ourselves (our light) but a very different experience to acknowledge, accept and love our shadow self (our darkness). What is your shadow? This way we can only been seen and heard and judged on the surface, so if there is anything someone doesn’t like, accept, believe, see in me, it doesn’t really affect me. This way I can continue the pattern and avoid feeling any emotion on a deep level.
My soul searching journey has led me into the deepest, darkest parts of myself and Kinesiology has taught me that I am in control of creating, uncreatin g and recreating our belief systems. I sometimes (like this month) feel that I’m evolving at such a rapid rate that the old program starts to play out again and I start to block the feeling too deeply part so I don’t have to be TRULY SEEN.
I have become aware over the years that when I block emotional pain out, this is when pain manifests in my physical body. Usually my lower back & old knee injury start playing up, my skin becomes blemished & again I start to disconnect from myself & the world. Over the past few weeks it has been pain in my right scapular (shoulder blade) – I have not injured it, but the pain exists and persists with intensity.
On this day, I take time out, I head to my favourite beach on the Sunshine Coast. I sit quietly. I close my eyes, I breathe deep into the pain of my scapular. I now just wait and listen and am open to what might surface. I instantly am conscious of blocking the tears. I ask my body for clarity about where this pain is stemming from.
- What does your pain feel like?
- What does your pain look like?
- Is anyone or anything contributing to the pain?
- Is there a colour for your pain?
- Is there an emotion for your pain?
- Do you feel the pain anywhere else in your body?
OK here is what happened for me… this is what surfaced from the depths of the pain in my shoulder, when I stopped resisting to the answers. I close my eyes, I breathe deeply, I ask my body for the answer and I wait patiently. The words I clearly heard where SPEAK YOUR TRUTH. I started to recall many times in my life when I haven’t spoken my truth, within my family, my relationships, with friends and in jobs where I was bullied for trying to speak my truth. This is where my struggle with BEING TRULY SEEN IN ALL MY RADIANCE begun.
Again I take my awareness back to my body, back to the piercing pain in my shoulder blade. I notice that I am struggling to breathe that my throat is blocked and a single tear slides down my cheek. This is what happens to our body when we block emotions, for me when I don’t SPEAK MY TRUTH.
I decided to continue to challenge myself. I sit in the pain even more deeply. I breathe, I let go of what may surface and all expectations. I state that I am now open to seeing and hearing what I need at this very moment to heal my shoulder blade. I am answered with a FEAR OF REJECTION – my shoulder blade response with an intense pain.
- When was the 1st time I experienced rejection?
- By whom (male or female)?
- What does rejection feel like?
- Is there an emotion to rejection?
- Is there a colour?
- Whatever questions maybe relevant to you.
I can see clearly, I have been running and validating my belief system that “It is better to fly under the radar than to be really seen so I don’t have to speak my truth, for if nobody really knows the true me I cannot be rejected. Ah ha my shadow self surfaces. I am given CLARITY. It all of a sudden doesn’t seem so big and scary this part of myself. I let go of the struggle, I acknowledge & accept this realisation. I affirm I have the answers within, as you do also, whatever your belief system states currently.
I bring this new realisation back into my body and become aware that the pain is no longer so intense. I notice warmth in my shoulder blade and warmth in my heart from acknowledging my fear of rejection.
I feel like I’m on a roll so I continue to explore deeper into my FEAR OF REJECTION. While my memories only takes me back to primary school days but I have a sense that this has been with me for many life times.
I have attracted rejection into my life in all sorts of ways, from my family, friends, teachers, through traumatic relationships and missed opportunities in the workforce. My thoughts are racing with memories of not being invited to birthday parties, missing out on awards because others would get more upset than me, being told to mime in the choir, being dumped, being told wasn’t good enough to participate, not getting jobs because I lacked confidence, laughed at for being spiritual or using my intuition, the list goes on. As each of these memories flood my mind – I allow myself to feel the pain of REJECTION, once again, but with the knowledge that it is just a pattern I have continued to generate so the true me didn’t radiate to the world. This time it seem easy to LET GO of the REJECTION – knowing it was part of a belief system I created. I now know that I am in control of my life and my new belief is that I don’t need to continue playing out this story.
How did I react to REJECTION – when I was younger I expressed these emotions through sadness, tears, retreating to my parents, being scared to try new things, hiding in my room. As a young person I become an introvert, I struggled internally with negative thoughts all these reactions led to consequences of having low self esteem, lacking self confidence, and did a pretty good job at pretending all these emotions didn’t matter, just so I didn’t have to show the world the real me. These emotions & energies all followed me to some extent into my adult life, while yes I have learnt strategies to cope, resilience, the will to push myself to try new experiences, I have still felt the need to hold back my true radiant self from the world.
With this new knowing that my inability to speak my truth is stemming from my FEAR OF REJECTION, I seem to be able to acknowledge the pain, accept the…, let go of the rejection & learn the lessons. For every negative there is a positive. Rejection has taught me many valuable life lessons in finding independence, not feeling the pressure to follow the crowd, to rely upon myself, to listen to my intuition, to travel the world & explore new. It has also given me the space to get to know myself, to learn to love and accept all of myself, but the biggest lesson of all has been the DISCOVERY OF MY SOUL PURPOSE.